Today I pet a dog.

Today I pet a dog.

Most life changing stories don’t begin with something as mundane as petting a dog, but this one just so happens to. On my way back home from going to the capital city to get away, exhausted and overburdened by dirty clothes and food, I spot a stray. Now, strays are fairly common here, and even dogs with families roam the streets. So, as usual, I do my best to ignore it and continue my waiting under the sweltering sun for my bus to arrive.

Maybe it was that I was already in a fragile point emotionally, as in the capital I witnessed a dog being run over. I’ve only seen the life leave a body, animal or otherwise, twice in my life in full detail… Chickens, pigs and the like are common… but I am only within earshot, no visuals. It was a terrifying experience, on both counts, and the instant surge of emotion left me completely drained. As the cold blood rushed back to my extremities, I passed the dog and whispered a silent prayer. Not for any religious significance, but out of respect and true animalistic sadness. Why did it have to die? But more importantly, why did it have to live in the streets in the first place?

With people irresponsibly taking ownership of pets and recklessly exploding the population, we are left with this. Hundreds of strays running wild, dying for the same reasons we would. Hunger, illness, attacks. They suffer through an anthropomorphized version of rape, and deal with verbal, physical and emotional abuse. They are constantly taught that love does not exist, and that pain and fear are the only ways to subsist.

When you live without love, the world truly becomes a dreary place. Without love, there is no conceivable way to be. Simply existing becomes a challenge; everything is confusing and even when someone reaches out to provide love… You push it away because you simply don’t understand.  You don’t know how nice a simple embrace, a touch and a genuine compassion feels. It is you, or them. A dog eat dog world.

So, I keep seeing the stray roaming around. This one is familiar. A pretty little brown lady covered with scars from surviving, scabs, bugs and distended nipples from the inevitable litter that she might have likely eaten to subsist. I often try to call her over while I’m waiting at the stop. Sure, petting a stray or an unknown dog at all is a bad idea… But I guess I was seeking to provide for her what I didn’t know I’ve been searching for all along. And usually she keeps away, and who could blame her… But today, it was different.

As I sat down, she shifted and moved around the gas station. Eventually, she came close to me. Closer than she’s ever done before. I tentatively extend my hand in the most peaceful form I can think of… Palm outstretched. She kept looking at my hand for a second, and very slowly came closer. The last couple of centimeters she stopped and took a step back, expecting a kick or a reprimand… But I kept on, not saying a word, but trying to convey in my five finger tips all the things I wanted to say. And then, just like that, she made contact.

My heart skipped a beat. She made her move, now it was time to make mine. I slowly begin to scratch her, being careful not to touch odd areas so she doesn’t accidentally nip at the foreign feelings. But, it was instant. She immediately relaxed, pulled her ears back and started putting pressure on my hands… Tail wagging, urging me on to keep going.

I was elated. All this time, and finally I made this connection that I’ve been searching for since I came to my community. And, as quick as it came, it went away. A gas station attendant shooed her away, thinking she was being an inconvenience. And, as she left with her tail between her legs, I worry that I might never get that chance again.

You see, we all need to feel loved. She came into this world for a purpose, and along the way… the people in charge forgot about her. I wonder just what her owners where thinking when they kicked her out… or when she just never came back. Did they worry? Did they search for her? Or, has she been raised her entire life in the streets? A product of another little lady like herself doomed to circumstance.

These and more are the things that I will never know. But one thing I do is that this experience was eye opening. As I previously hinted, I feel just like that stray might. I know I might have taken some liberties and a liberal dash of imagination, but those superimposed feelings where things that were completely foreign to me. I did not realize that I felt these things. I knew I was having a hard time, and I knew that going to spend time with friends made me feel better… But I never put two and two together.

So I’ve come to realize that, like the stray, I feel abandoned. Here, removed from those who care about me and surrounded by those who see me as no more than scenery, I feel devoid of love.

Before we go on, please be aware that I am happy. These feelings are entirely natural and many, volunteers or not, feel them from time to time. Truth be told, I’ve never felt happier. I never felt like I belonged… Like I really mattered… and not just because my family say so… And here, I feel like I might find that and more. The surfacing of these emotions is actually a long time coming and a truly liberating thing.

Emotions are a funny thing… You can feel complete opposites at the same time and it is not any stranger than feeling one at a time. And they spring up in the most interesting and odd places… Because, all I wanted to tell you guys is…

Today I pet a dog.